So much struggling –
realising that I need a balance
between reaching out and reaching in.
I need to do some things just for me,
like paint and play,
and read and build sandcastles.
I need to stop
for a long time,
to think about that.
Where did I miss it? Lose it?
For joy is the centre of ministry,
Joy should precede ministry,
nurture it and fulfil it.
But I am so intense about ministry,
and take it so solemnly
(as if I were responsible for it)
that I become weighed down
by its ups and downs,
its disappointments and failures.
I suffocate joy with
I imagine everything depends on me –
when everything is God’s business,
and God has already taken care of
all her creation
and all her people,
We are only to walk with each other,
be with each other,
love each other.
God’s is the healing,
and the fulfilling.
When I lose perspective
and imagine everything,
(or most things)
revolving round myself,
I make myself
a little god,
and lose my joy.
For I was never made
to be a little god – only
to be loved by the Great God.
Perhaps I am too busy trying
to love other people instead of
learning to love myself.
When I can do that
I might begin to understand
how great God’s
When I go through
darkness, heaviness and anxiety,
it is God’s invitation for me to stop
looking outwards and start looking
inwards and be loving and gentle
I am called to minister for my own joy.
When my joy diminishes, so does my ministry.
When I have fun and enjoy myself God does!
Then I am most like God – – who is joy!